Convincing partner to let me get another tank :)

[Beanbo7]

Hi there! 

I am looking to get some advice/guidance on talking with my significant other about getting a second fish tank.

Some context: I currently have a 5.5 gallon planted Betta tank with my year old plakat Drago and my nerite snail Leki in our living room. We have hard tap water and a higher PH (~8.2). So, for Drago’s tank, I have actually been using spring water which has worked out fantastically as the high PH had started taking a toll on him. He’s doing super well and loves his java fern for nap time 🙂

I have always loved fish and would love to get a second tank that is more of a community tank. Due to our water parameters, I was thinking of doing a platy tank. However, my significant other really isn’t keen on a second tank. He doesn’t have an interest in fish and doesn’t want a tank to take up more room in the house. He also doesn’t want a tank upstairs due to the fact we have carpet. Drago’s tank is in the living room and we have room for at least a 10 gallon near him so everything is kept in one area. 

I would love any and all advice on how to convince my significant other that adding one more small tank will not impact anything, and will be even cheaper as we can use our own water. I do all of the care of Drago so this tank would be entirely my responsibility, therefore his hesitation has nothing to do with extra work on his part. I am also aware that we run the risk of having lots of platy babies so I would need a plan to sell them to a local store  etc, but he doesn’t mind that piece of it. Honestly, I am not quite sure where the hesitation is since he wouldn’t have to touch it and I keep Drago’s tank very clean! So I am hoping someone else has had a similar situation and how they overcame it. Trying to decide if it’s worth the conversation or if I should give up on my dream of a second tank. (Or, if I should just sneak one in LOL)

I’ve included a photo of Drago if it is any extra enticement for advice 🙂 thank you for reading!

[Miska]

"I would like to have my own hobbies. This would be my responsibility and I will look after it. I am buying a 10 gallon tomorrow."

As long as you can afford your hobby, it is your house too. Hobbies are essential to mental health. You are an adult and it is your home too. My recommendation is to get what you want, as long as it is within the space and the budget you have on your hobbies. 

[xXInkedPhoenixX]

Hi @Beanbo7, welcome to the forum. Hobbies like ours do have impact on those who live with us so including them in the conversation ESPECIALLY when it's an S.O., spouse, lover and etc is very important. It sounds like your S.O. isn't ENTIRELY against it since weirdly they don't mind talk about baby fish (personally if I was hesitant about tanks the ones with fish that reproduce I'd be dead set against, but that's just me and tells me that your S.O. isn't entirely resistant). 

I would ask what specifically S.O. is hesitant about with adding just one more tank. Listen to their potential issue(s) and come up with a solution. Ask if you can make a space for potential tank and see if they are amenable for that area to have it. Both of you look online at what you would like the tank to look like- try to include them to whatever level they would like to be included. 

It's a hobby that you want to enjoy. If it becomes a point of contention between you and S.O. this is the opposite effect you would like to have, but also make sure S.O. understands that your hobby is something you really enjoy and makes you happy. An S.O. should never be against that but they also have to be happy so finding that balance can be tricky. If you're both reasonable about it in the end, you will BOTH enjoy the tank. 

[cavdad45]

It's easier to ask for forgiveness, than asking for permission

[JettsPapa]

Do you have an area of the house that's "yours"?  Like maybe the kitchen, or a study, breakfast room, etc?  I have one room in our house that's my office / library / fish room.  While I wouldn't put a tank in just any room without asking her, I certainly wouldn't ask her if I can add another one in my room (and she wouldn't expect me to).

Even if you don't, if it's important to you then your husband should work with you on finding a place to put it that you're both happy with.

[NOLANANO]

On 3/24/2023 at 11:33 AM, xXInkedPhoenixX said:

Hi @Beanbo7, welcome to the forum. Hobbies like ours do have impact on those who live with us so including them in the conversation ESPECIALLY when it's an S.O., spouse, lover and etc is very important. It sounds like your S.O. isn't ENTIRELY against it since weirdly they don't mind talk about baby fish (personally if I was hesitant about tanks the ones with fish that reproduce I'd be dead set against, but that's just me and tells me that your S.O. isn't entirely resistant). 

I would ask what specifically S.O. is hesitant about with adding just one more tank. Listen to their potential issue(s) and come up with a solution. Ask if you can make a space for potential tank and see if they are amenable for that area to have it. Both of you look online at what you would like the tank to look like- try to include them to whatever level they would like to be included. 

It's a hobby that you want to enjoy. If it becomes a point of contention between you and S.O. this is the opposite effect you would like to have, but also make sure S.O. understands that your hobby is something you really enjoy and makes you happy. An S.O. should never be against that but they also have to be happy so finding that balance can be tricky. If you're both reasonable about it in the end, you will BOTH enjoy the tank. 

To add to this answer, try to relate it to a hobby or interest of his that you "allow". Does he play golf? collect baseball cards? Have season tickets to his favorite team? All of those things consume some of his time and all of them take money. Try to make him understand that keeping fish to you is just like Golf or whatever to him.

For example, my wife watches the Bachelor and HAS to watch it live. It comes on right at the kids bedtime on school nights so it would bother me. Then she explained to me that the Bachelor for her is just like LSU football games for me. She cares about it and has to watch it live because the internet talks about it immediately and will spoil it. Since that talk, we figure out a way to make it work.

[jwcarlson]

There are SO many factors that it's hard to really offer advice for particular situations.  And a lot of it can be pretty private.  I do a ton (I would say all) of the day-to-day household activities as well as working full-time.  So the dishes, laundry, 90% of the cooking, all pet care, etc.  In my mind, that makes it nearly impossible for my wife to complain about anything I want to do.  Her only request is that we don't overwhelm the main floor with fish tanks and we have an basically unused basement.  So it all works out.  But if you're slacking on chores so you can play with more fish, I could see that being a point of contention.  Additionally, from a financial standpoint... our family... doesn't have any concerns for this level of spending because I'm not doing anything fancy.  We're still saving for retirement, have no issues with bills, have no debt other than a bit on the house, saving for kids' college, etc.  If you are struggling to make ends meet and you want to spend $300+ to set up another fish tank, I would also see that as an unreasonable request.  

Don't misread me and think that I'm accusing the OP of being lazy or anything like that, just coming at things from the other side. 

My wife (who also works full-time) enjoys painting and drawing as her hobby... and she spends a ridiculous amount of time and money on it... and it is 100% for her enjoyment.  And it's money well spent, IMO.  She understands that hobbies are basically why I function.  I not hate my job (engineer) at all, it offers our family tons of freedom financially... but I am not passionate about it at all.  If I didn't have something enjoyable to do when I got home from work, I would not be in a good place mentally.  That said... she really likes to just come home from her work and kind of flop.  I cannot do that, I'm like a freaking tempest basically from the minute I get home.  I'm doing a quick once through of the fish room, feeding fry... seeing if anything spawned.  Then outside to collect eggs from the chickens, take the dogs out, make sure the chickens have food/water.  Then I'm off with the dogs and the kids on a walk for me/dogs and a bike ride for the kids.  Then when I get home from that I start my nightly discus water change, feed the dogs, do laundry and dishes while discus water change is going (semi-automated).  Right now I'm also doing a fry water change somewhere mixed in there and getting the brine shrimp hatcheries drained, harvested, refilled, etc.  Then after that it's bedtime for the kids which isn't a big deal anymore because they're getting older.  After everyone is in bed (my wife goes to bed early) I read/play with dogs/video games... It can be a bit of a grind, but I'm efficient and I 100% do not allow my "pleasures" to get in the way of my must-dos... and I don't sit like a bump on a log staring at my phone for three hours a night.  

Anyway, enough with the oversharing...  If you check all the box and your partner is simply trying to keep you from doing something that you enjoy without good reason, then I would consider that an unreasonable request and would make sure to draw some boundaries and expectations.  If you were coming in here saying you wanted to build a 1000 gallon plywood indoor pond and you don't know why your partner didn't like the idea would be another story.  Or... if you've tried to limit partner's hobby or hobbies in the past, then it might take some introspection and give/take.

Best of luck to you, I don't think anything you're wanting to do sounds unreasonable other than I would not get fish that are going to readily multiply in numbers.  That's a recipe for disaster without a plan IMO.

[Guppysnail]

Have you considered a double tank stand. The second tank would not take up extra room. That would be a starting place to open the conversation with your SO. 

[lefty o]

dont take this as advice, but this reminds me of the old adage, "its easier to ask forgiveness than for permission"!

[Beanbo7]

On 3/24/2023 at 1:13 PM, jwcarlson said:

There are SO many factors that it's hard to really offer advice for particular situations.  And a lot of it can be pretty private.  I do a ton (I would say all) of the day-to-day household activities as well as working full-time.  So the dishes, laundry, 90% of the cooking, all pet care, etc.  In my mind, that makes it nearly impossible for my wife to complain about anything I want to do.  Her only request is that we don't overwhelm the main floor with fish tanks and we have an basically unused basement.  So it all works out.  But if you're slacking on chores so you can play with more fish, I could see that being a point of contention.  Additionally, from a financial standpoint... our family... doesn't have any concerns for this level of spending because I'm not doing anything fancy.  We're still saving for retirement, have no issues with bills, have no debt other than a bit on the house, saving for kids' college, etc.  If you are struggling to make ends meet and you want to spend $300+ to set up another fish tank, I would also see that as an unreasonable request.  

Don't misread me and think that I'm accusing the OP of being lazy or anything like that, just coming at things from the other side. 

My wife (who also works full-time) enjoys painting and drawing as her hobby... and she spends a ridiculous amount of time and money on it... and it is 100% for her enjoyment.  And it's money well spent, IMO.  She understands that hobbies are basically why I function.  I not hate my job (engineer) at all, it offers our family tons of freedom financially... but I am not passionate about it at all.  If I didn't have something enjoyable to do when I got home from work, I would not be in a good place mentally.  That said... she really likes to just come home from her work and kind of flop.  I cannot do that, I'm like a freaking tempest basically from the minute I get home.  I'm doing a quick once through of the fish room, feeding fry... seeing if anything spawned.  Then outside to collect eggs from the chickens, take the dogs out, make sure the chickens have food/water.  Then I'm off with the dogs and the kids on a walk for me/dogs and a bike ride for the kids.  Then when I get home from that I start my nightly discus water change, feed the dogs, do laundry and dishes while discus water change is going (semi-automated).  Right now I'm also doing a fry water change somewhere mixed in there and getting the brine shrimp hatcheries drained, harvested, refilled, etc.  Then after that it's bedtime for the kids which isn't a big deal anymore because they're getting older.  After everyone is in bed (my wife goes to bed early) I read/play with dogs/video games... It can be a bit of a grind, but I'm efficient and I 100% do not allow my "pleasures" to get in the way of my must-dos... and I don't sit like a bump on a log staring at my phone for three hours a night.  

Anyway, enough with the oversharing...  If you check all the box and your partner is simply trying to keep you from doing something that you enjoy without good reason, then I would consider that an unreasonable request and would make sure to draw some boundaries and expectations.  If you were coming in here saying you wanted to build a 1000 gallon plywood indoor pond and you don't know why your partner didn't like the idea would be another story.  Or... if you've tried to limit partner's hobby or hobbies in the past, then it might take some introspection and give/take.

Best of luck to you, I don't think anything you're wanting to do sounds unreasonable other than I would not get fish that are going to readily multiply in numbers.  That's a recipe for disaster without a plan IMO.

This was a really great way to think of it from another perspective! Finances aren’t a problem, but we are both busy and we could both be better about chores so I could totally see how that is part of it potentially. Definitely some great points to talk and think through, thank you!

On 3/24/2023 at 1:13 PM, Guppysnail said:

Have you considered a double tank stand. The second tank would not take up extra room. That would be a starting place to open the conversation with your SO. 

That is a great thought too! Maybe he’d be more open to it if it were a nice double tank stand. I’ll look into it more!

[DebSills]

I'll offer this - I currently have 4 tanks...somewhat by accident...I started with one, then we took in my niece (she was 19) and she came with some rescue fish, now I had 2...then we got her a Betta, 3 - she moved out and left her Betta and rescue tank with me (she liked the idea of a Betta, but didn't really take the time to learn how to take care of the tank), my 4th tank came with the idea of setting it up for my in-laws when they moved into an assisted living facility, that is still up in the air, but for now, my MIL doesn't want it (fine with me, its currently my favorite tank)...I say this only because things happen and we somehow tend to end up with multiple tanks, or bigger ones.

My brother in law has two hobbies, a garden and outdoor ponds (which he brings the fish and fry into the house during the winter)...my sister tends to complain about them, but the only time she really minds is when it takes what little time at home that he has and spends "too much" time on the fish and/or the garden...his outdoor ponds have rice fish that he takes the time to breed and then sells them to his LFS...it tends to drive my sister batty but, again, primarily because it takes time away from her and their 4 daughters and their various activities.

my stories are not meant to dissuade you from getting an additional tank, my husband is very supportive, while still "enjoying" some polite complaining, but my BIL takes a little too much time with them and my sister tends to resent them - tanks can be a welcome addition to a space, but shouldn't be a hobby that causes a strain on your relationship, I think if you explain how it will look, and the enjoyment it brings you, I think you'll be able to add a second small tank next to Drago's tank - personally I'd get Drago his own 10g and set up a second 10g next to him (I like symmetry), or...set up a 20h and then move Drago in with them and have just the one tank.

probably not much help, but my two cents...

I'll keep my fingers crossed for you!!

Edited March 24, 2023 by DebSills

[Beanbo7]

On 3/24/2023 at 2:29 PM, DebSills said:

I'll offer this - I currently have 4 tanks...somewhat by accident...I started with one, then we took in my niece (she was 19) and she came with some rescue fish, now I had 2...then we got her a Betta, 3 - she moved out and left her Betta and rescue tank with me (she liked the idea of a Betta, but didn't really take the time to learn how to take care of her), my 4th tank came with the idea of setting it up for my in-laws when they moved into an assisted living facility, that is still up in the air, but for now, my MIL doesn't want it (fine with me, its currently my favorite tank)...I say this only because things happen and we somehow tend to end up with multiple tanks, or bigger ones.

My brother in law has two hobbies, a garden and outdoor ponds (which he brings the fish and fry into the house during the winter)...my sister tends to complain about them, but the only time she really minds is when it takes what little time at home that he has and spends "too much" time on the fish and/or the garden...his outdoor ponds have rice fish that he takes the time to breed and then sells them to his LFS...it tends to drive my sister batty but, again, primarily because it takes time away from her and their 4 daughters and their various activities.

my stories are not meant to dissuade you from getting an additional tank, my husband is very supportive, while still "enjoying" some polite complaining, but my BIL takes a little too much time with them and my sister tends to resent them - tanks can be a welcome addition to a space, but shouldn't be a hobby that causes a strain on your relationship, I think if you explain how it will look, and the enjoyment it brings you, I think you'll be able to add a second small tank next to Drago's tank - personally I'd get Drago his own 10g and set up a second 10g next to him, or...set up a 20h and then move Drago in with them and have just the one tank.

probably not much help, but my two cents...

I'll keep my fingers crossed for you!!

Thank you for the advice! I would love to give Drago a bigger thank, that is something we have discussed as well - maybe wait on a second tank and get one bigger tank. I also love aquarium plants so I wouldn’t be opposed to getting a bigger tank for him and getting some new plants 🙂 he’s a cranky boy so I’m a tad worried about having two tanks right next to each other but all things to think through.  

[Guppysnail]

I had another thought. If you’re SO like houseplants.  The tanks can be used as wet planters to add more plants to a room. 

[Lennie]

On 3/24/2023 at 10:44 PM, Guppysnail said:

I had another thought. If you’re SO like houseplants.  The tanks can be used as wet planters to add more plants to a room. 

Idk about Beanbo's partner, but you are convincing me guppy...

Tell me more

[Expectorating_Aubergine]

On 3/24/2023 at 9:33 AM, cavdad45 said:

It's easier to ask for forgiveness, than asking for permission

This is terrible advice. Maybe it's just my relationship, but this strategy has only worked very rarely. Like, it was something that's not very pricey/time consuming. Communicate and work it out. It can potentially come back to bite you in the future if you go the forgiveness route......

[jwcarlson]

On 3/24/2023 at 8:08 PM, Expectorating_Aubergine said:

This is terrible advice. Maybe it's just my relationship, but this strategy has only worked very rarely. Like, it was something that's not very pricey/time consuming. Communicate and work it out. It can potentially come back to bite you in the future if you go the forgiveness route......

I think people are saying it to be funny.  But yeah, it's terrible advice. 

[JettsPapa]

On 3/24/2023 at 8:21 PM, jwcarlson said:

I think people are saying it to be funny.  But yeah, it's terrible advice. 

In this situation, probably so, but not always.  As I've gotten older I'm more willing to go ahead and do something that I think needs to be done instead of asking for permission.

Edited March 28, 2023 by JettsPapa

[Procrypsis]

Get what you want. 

Respect their opinion, but as long as it's your money and you are taking care of it, then you deserve it.

Been in relationsips that the sig other was controlling. Not good. They ended quickly.

I do not like others telling me what to do with my life.

[NOLANANO]

On 3/29/2023 at 6:48 AM, Procrypsis said:

Get what you want. 

Respect their opinion, but as long as it's your money and you are taking care of it, then you deserve it.

Been in relationsips that the sig other was controlling. Not good. They ended quickly.

I do not like others telling me what to do with my life.

The counter to this would be that you are being just as controlling by just doing what you want without consideration of the other person's feelings. Unlike other hobbies, ours takes up real estate in a home so our significant others have to concede not just time and money but also space inside their dwelling.  I just think the "I'll do whatever I want and they can deal with it" attitude does not respect their opinion and is likely to cause further resentment toward the OP's hobby.

I think the best scenario is to try to formulate a plan or compromise with the significant other. If he only wants a single tank in the house (my wife feels the same way) maybe he would be ok with you just upgrading the tank you have as opposed to getting a second tank. Or maybe you can convince him that one more tank is fine. But I definitely think that you should get him to at least accept the idea even if he's not thrilled about it.

[Fonske]

On 3/25/2023 at 12:24 AM, Beanbo7 said:

I would love any and all advice on how to convince my significant other

It always helps me to consider the reversed situation...what would your SO have to do to convince you to have something in the house that he wants and you absolutely don't?    If "nothing, I love my partner and want to see him happy no matter how it impacts me", then there is no problem, one tank it is. But assuming the answer is "it depends", then just talking about "another aquarium won't impact anything" is unlikely to work, I think. What might work is giving your SO something *he* wants in exchange. Make the deal sweet for him and the second tank might happen (or not 😉).