Planning a wedding...

[Hannah Parker]

Hi Everyone,

So everyone here is always so nice and helpful, and most everyone on this forum has more experience than me in more areas than just fishkeeping. Also, I much prefer posting on this forum to posting on any other forms of social media, it's just so much nicer and I'm really not a fan of Facebook or Twitter or anything like them lol. Which makes me so glad for this Off Topic section! I was wondering if anyone might want to chime in with any advice or stories on planning a wedding! It is proving to be much more complicated and stressful than we were anticipating 😅

So if anyone is curious, my fiancé and I have been together for over 7 years now and he proposed to me this past April. We've been together since we were both 15, and bought our first house together and moved out together in April of 2021. We've both been waiting a long time to get married to each other, and are very comfortable with each other and laid back, so we were thinking that planning a wedding wouldn't be that hard at all, because we don't want anything fancy or complicated. Well turns out all the complications are coming from our family members and not ourselves at all 😅🤣

We are only close with very few of our family members, about 8-12 on each side; parents, siblings, aunts and uncles, cousins and grandparents pretty much. We are also very private and introverted, and didn't really feel like entertaining or "performing" for family members that we only see once a year. So we didn't want to invite anyone else except the ones we are close to! You would be amazed at the entitlement that some family members feel with our wedding just because of a title they hold. 

So to get around this entitlement, we were planning a destination wedding. We are both young, only 22 & 23, and don't have kids yet either, so we were wanting to go somewhere huge and just make it our honeymoon too. We decided on a destination wedding to Yellowstone National Park. It was actually my fiancé who came up with this idea, and we got so excited about it and really went with it. We decided we were absolutely making it happen, no matter what. I spent many hours over the next couple weeks researching how to get married in Yellowstone, places to get married, lodging options and even creating an itinerary so our invited family members wouldn't feel overwhelmed. We also paid for and reserved Mammoth Chapel, where we were going to have the ceremony. I made packets for every family member that included dates, times, lodging options and prices, flight options and prices, and a suggested itinerary. My family is far from perfect, but when we had a cookout and "pitched" Yellowstone to them, they were so excited and all for it. I can't say the same for my fiancé's family. His parents were both excited, but that's it. His grandparents were excited but worried they wouldn't be able to fly because of their health. His brother was extremely unenthusiastic and upset about having to save up for it (we told everyone we understand what a financial commitment it is and that nobody is required to attend). His grandparents scheduled a consultation with their doctor to see if they would be able to travel and if it would be safe for them. They were not cleared for travel and were very disappointed, as were we. Because we are from out of state, getting legally married in Montana was proving complicated, so we talked with his grandparents about legally getting married in Ohio and having them be our witnesses as a compromise as an idea, which they loved.

A couple weeks later, we took a weekend trip to Virginia to visit the rest of my fiancé's family for his cousin's birthday and Confirmation ceremony into her Lutheran church. We are pretty close with them, and they come up and visit and stay in Ohio pretty frequently for living so far away. We "pitched" Yellowstone to them during our stay there, and it did not go well. They said "no" right away, because his cousin's high school exams are during that time. Well as far as I understood, having an exemption and taking high school exams early is quite common. They then went on to say how much of a commitment and hassle going to Yellowstone would be, and that it would have to be "the trip for the whole year". They are very well off, and keep in mind that they are going on a 4-week long vacation to Europe this summer with no issues. Needless to say, our feelings were very hurt by their reactions. My fiancé doesn't cry often, but he cried to me a lot that night and said he felt like nobody from his family really cared or was really excited besides his parents. It was heartbreaking. He said that combined with his brother's reaction and his grandparents not being able to attend (which is not their fault and we're not upset at them about) was the final straw and completely ruined Yellowstone for him. He said a lot of other things about how he was feeling too that I won't go into, but he was completely crushed. He said even as a honeymoon, Yellowstone just leaves a "bad taste" now. I know it's selfish to think about how it affects us, but with the current floods happening in Yellowstone I'm not even sure it would be a possibility for us anymore anyway. 

So now we are back to square one, with no idea what to do. At this point I think we are open to an elopement or a small local ceremony with like 25 people. It's honestly just so sad because of how excited we both were, and now we are both angry, sad and frustrated. I am really trying to recapture that initial excitement that we had, because we both love each other so much and our wedding should be nothing but happy.

So long story short, I guess I'm reaching out for any ideas, advice or inspiration from anyone that has gotten married. I'm also kind of venting lol 🙃 I know it might be a little weird to post here, but I really do love the community here and I feel like someone out there might say something that might really help us. I would also just love to hear how other people navigate these things, and how other people got married and what they loved about their, etc. 

Thank you in advance and thank you for taking the time to read this 🥺❤️

[Ken Burke]

congratulations on your engagement!
My wife and I were married 21 years ago this month.  We were, well, significantly older than you.  So our experience was way different than yours, hope this helps.

1. Try to figure out what you will remember about your day, and focus on that.  I remember my family flying in from Arizona, and her dad driving in from Key West.  But I wouldn’t recognize the invitations if I had them right here.  I remember our friends were there, but for the most part not who was there.  We had flowers, I don’t know what kind.  You get the point.  The thing I remember best - my bride walking down the aisle.

2. Unless there is a really good reason, I suggest you include your extended families for a couple reasons.  First they may feel closer to you then the other way around.  Second, someday you may want a closer relationship.  
 

 

 

[PineSong]

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding. I am sorry that your fiance's family did not do a better job of managing their responses and his feelings were hurt by their lack of enthusiasm. 

Families dynamics are tough but in general my rule of thumb is from the world of healthy boundaries: You're allowed to ask people for whatever you want or need, and those people are absolutely allowed to say yes, no, or compromise. They are only free to say "yes" if they are also free to say "no". From my seat, people didn't do wrong by saying "no" to Yellowstone but they sure did not manage it graciously.

No matter where your wedding is, all you can do is invite people and welcome them if they choose to attend. A wedding shouldn't feel like a command performance on either side--I can't command people to spend time and money coming to Yellowstone for my wedding and they cannot command me to get married in my hometown so that they can attend. I should be happy anyone at all shows up for my wedding and my extended family should be happy they matter enough to anyone to be invited. Gratitude first!

In my experience couples who have destination weddings often have a small reception/cookout/pub night/church basement gathering in their hometown/s so that people who aren't going to fly out to the wedding can still celebrate with them, and nobody feels like their choices are limited to "attend Amy's destination wedding or be entirely left out". If my loved one were getting married and I did not want to go to Yellowstone, I would offer to host such an event at my house for the local family and friends, rather than complain about the cost of the Yellowstone trip. 

I hope you can find another location you'll feel as positively about, or you'll adjust to the idea of a local ceremony and a honeymoon somewhere unencumbered by the current hard feelings around Yellowstone. There are buckets of beautiful places to experience and you are just starting out on what can be decades of travel together 🙂 Maybe Yellowstone can be a 5th anniversary destination!

 

 

[lefty o]

here's the short and sweet of it, it is your, and his wedding, no one else's.  do what makes the two of you happy, and if that doesnt work out for other people, too bad. i spent a lot of years working weekend nights, and ill tell you , no one moved their wedding to wednesday to accommodate my schedule, and i dont blame them, its their wedding. dont let others dictate your wedding, it is your day!

[Odd Duck]

My husband and I had our 42nd wedding anniversary earlier this week.  We had a very small ceremony in my parents back yard with a few friends and family that likely only our family members remember.  It isn’t about the actual ceremony, it’s about the love and the life the two of you build together.  Pick a spot that speaks to you both, and invite whomever you want.  If they attend, fabulous, if they don’t, that’s OK, too.  They are adults and are allowed to make their own choices.

If you have a destination wedding, the celebrations in whichever home town like @PineSongsuggested sounds like a great idea.  It doesn’t need to be anything more than a dinner at a local restaurant where everyone is invited.  You don’t even need to pay for others, just invite them to join in celebrating the life you are building together.

Don’t make this so complicated that it wrecks what should be a joyous celebration.  You can’t make others fall in line with your plans.  You can only invite them to join you and let them decide for themselves.  You don’t need to cut them out of your lives if they elect not to attend.  You can’t know everything that goes into their decision making process. There may be factors you don’t know about.  Just pick a date, pick a spot that makes you happy, schedule local dinners to keep the family happy, and get on with building your future together and worry less about what other people think or say.  Your life will be better in the long run if you decide to do what you can, and what is reasonable, to make them happy and let go of the rest of it after that.

I’ve discovered that letting go of trying to make sure everyone else is happy is the best thing you can do for yourself.  In the long run, everyone around you will be better off if you are a happier person because you will spread a more positive attitude.  You will have more energy to be able to actually help people if you spend less time worrying about how everybody feels about every little thing you do.  It seems a little contradictory, but it’s true for me.

Go out there, do what works for you, and build your happiness together!

[Torrey]

On 6/17/2022 at 12:57 PM, Hannah Parker said:

Hi Everyone,

So everyone here is always so nice and helpful, and most everyone on this forum has more experience than me in more areas than just fishkeeping. Also, I much prefer posting on this forum to posting on any other forms of social media, it's just so much nicer and I'm really not a fan of Facebook or Twitter or anything like them lol. Which makes me so glad for this Off Topic section! I was wondering if anyone might want to chime in with any advice or stories on planning a wedding! It is proving to be much more complicated and stressful than we were anticipating 😅

So if anyone is curious, my fiancé and I have been together for over 7 years now and he proposed to me this past April. We've been together since we were both 15, and bought our first house together and moved out together in April of 2021. We've both been waiting a long time to get married to each other, and are very comfortable with each other and laid back, so we were thinking that planning a wedding wouldn't be that hard at all, because we don't want anything fancy or complicated. Well turns out all the complications are coming from our family members and not ourselves at all 😅🤣

We are only close with very few of our family members, about 8-12 on each side; parents, siblings, aunts and uncles, cousins and grandparents pretty much. We are also very private and introverted, and didn't really feel like entertaining or "performing" for family members that we only see once a year. So we didn't want to invite anyone else except the ones we are close to! You would be amazed at the entitlement that some family members feel with our wedding just because of a title they hold. 

So to get around this entitlement, we were planning a destination wedding. We are both young, only 22 & 23, and don't have kids yet either, so we were wanting to go somewhere huge and just make it our honeymoon too. We decided on a destination wedding to Yellowstone National Park. It was actually my fiancé who came up with this idea, and we got so excited about it and really went with it. We decided we were absolutely making it happen, no matter what. I spent many hours over the next couple weeks researching how to get married in Yellowstone, places to get married, lodging options and even creating an itinerary so our invited family members wouldn't feel overwhelmed. We also paid for and reserved Mammoth Chapel, where we were going to have the ceremony. I made packets for every family member that included dates, times, lodging options and prices, flight options and prices, and a suggested itinerary. My family is far from perfect, but when we had a cookout and "pitched" Yellowstone to them, they were so excited and all for it. I can't say the same for my fiancé's family. His parents were both excited, but that's it. His grandparents were excited but worried they wouldn't be able to fly because of their health. His brother was extremely unenthusiastic and upset about having to save up for it (we told everyone we understand what a financial commitment it is and that nobody is required to attend). His grandparents scheduled a consultation with their doctor to see if they would be able to travel and if it would be safe for them. They were not cleared for travel and were very disappointed, as were we. Because we are from out of state, getting legally married in Montana was proving complicated, so we talked with his grandparents about legally getting married in Ohio and having them be our witnesses as a compromise as an idea, which they loved.

A couple weeks later, we took a weekend trip to Virginia to visit the rest of my fiancé's family for his cousin's birthday and Confirmation ceremony into her Lutheran church. We are pretty close with them, and they come up and visit and stay in Ohio pretty frequently for living so far away. We "pitched" Yellowstone to them during our stay there, and it did not go well. They said "no" right away, because his cousin's high school exams are during that time. Well as far as I understood, having an exemption and taking high school exams early is quite common. They then went on to say how much of a commitment and hassle going to Yellowstone would be, and that it would have to be "the trip for the whole year". They are very well off, and keep in mind that they are going on a 4-week long vacation to Europe this summer with no issues. Needless to say, our feelings were very hurt by their reactions. My fiancé doesn't cry often, but he cried to me a lot that night and said he felt like nobody from his family really cared or was really excited besides his parents. It was heartbreaking. He said that combined with his brother's reaction and his grandparents not being able to attend (which is not their fault and we're not upset at them about) was the final straw and completely ruined Yellowstone for him. He said a lot of other things about how he was feeling too that I won't go into, but he was completely crushed. He said even as a honeymoon, Yellowstone just leaves a "bad taste" now. I know it's selfish to think about how it affects us, but with the current floods happening in Yellowstone I'm not even sure it would be a possibility for us anymore anyway. 

So now we are back to square one, with no idea what to do. At this point I think we are open to an elopement or a small local ceremony with like 25 people. It's honestly just so sad because of how excited we both were, and now we are both angry, sad and frustrated. I am really trying to recapture that initial excitement that we had, because we both love each other so much and our wedding should be nothing but happy.

So long story short, I guess I'm reaching out for any ideas, advice or inspiration from anyone that has gotten married. I'm also kind of venting lol 🙃 I know it might be a little weird to post here, but I really do love the community here and I feel like someone out there might say something that might really help us. I would also just love to hear how other people navigate these things, and how other people got married and what they loved about their, etc. 

Thank you in advance and thank you for taking the time to read this 🥺❤️

I feel your pain in this, and it sounds like both of you were willing to make a lot of compromises to try and please your families.

This tells me (based on reactions from your fiance's family) that there are certain expectations that have been cultivated over a lifetime (or more likely generations) that the two of you may not be aware of... and are going to act like landmines no matter what kind of wedding you attempt to have.

As a person who has had to learn how to wear many different hats, here are my questions, based on my observations:

1. Have the two of you done any pre-marital counseling with a counselor or clergy?

2. Have you discussed how to navigate holidays after the wedding?

3. Have you negotiated the steps to take to resolve differences in the future?

I know those feel irrelevant to the questions you are asking, but my experience (primarily helping couples who are pregnant or already have kids, so slightly different) has been it is infinitely much easier to plan a wedding *after* those 3 items are addressed. In my TH&P work, I facilitate a lot of discussions around how to balance personal needs against community needs, and I don't think anything is a better demonstration for how that works (or doesn't) than planning a wedding.

I've probably helped with somewhere between 20 to 30 at this point, so I'm no wedding planner. I am a problem solver, and a relationship healer though.

I would say Mother Nature and Yellowstone have offered you the option of putting your wedding off for a year, and that way you and your fiance can discuss what the two of you need for *you* to start the next chapter of your life (as a married couple) in a way that meets *your* needs as a married couple. Then, take the time to identify what is needed for the family (your larger community). Plenty of people choose to do a smaller, intimate ceremony for themselves, that meets their needs, and then a larger celebration that is staged for their communities.

My spouse and I  got legally married with just us and our kids, we did one celebration with our faith community (and our kids), and a big party at a park for family and larger community. All 3 together didn't cost us $500. My first marriage I kept it under $1000.

Weddings (and any celebration involving a larger community) are about compromises and how to demonstrate the values you want to live by and be known by. On the surface, they look simple. The reality is the planning and execution will uncover every skeleton in the closet that needs sunlight. Some people choose to avoid all the skeletons, and other people choose to embrace the opportunity for healing.

The majority of couples find themselves on a path closer to the middle: ignoring as many skeletons as possible, lol.

It sounds like your husband to be's family is used to him accommodating their wants at his own expense. That dynamic will eventually affect the relationship of all people involved, including you (sorry).

The great news is, it sounds like the two of you have already established a really healthy relationship with each other! So if it were me, I'd probably ask if there was no family or friends involved, what would just the two of you want?

Plan that first.

Then, maybe work with a facilitator, mediator, counselor or clergy member about how to navigate the larger, public ceremony.

It sounds like in this particular set of family dynamics, if there's enough time you might be able to merge the two celebrations into one, if that is important to both of you. It doesn't sound like everyone in the family is ready for that level of responsibility for pulling that off, this year. I'm sorry about the entitlement.... I've experienced that, too. In fact, it looked incredibly similar and they ultimately chose not to show up even after accommodations had been made. Hence my personal recommendation to start with identifying what the two of you need.

Feel free to inbox me if you have more questions, or tag me here (if I don't respond quickly, I'm probably at a birth).

[Flumpweesel]

I can't give much advice on how to manage people but I am will add that I have attended weddings that have cost a fortune and weddings that have cost only a few hundreds, event is the same two people pledge their lives to other and everyone is happy. Oh and there is generally cake.

My advice is don't get into debt and accept that not everyone will be able to go ( COVID showed us we can't plan for everything).

If you want elderly relatives you will probably have to stay close to home , if you want a lot of people it will have to easy to attend. The media has sold us on the unique wedding experience but think about the weddings you have attended what do you remember and what do you enjoy.  

My brother's wedding was 17 people we sat round table together as one family after the ceremony. People who love you will wish you well regardless of being invited or ability to attend.

 

[Hannah Parker]

I can't begin to express how amazed and grateful I am for the overwhelmingly kind, wisdom-filled responses I've gotten. Thank you all for your understanding and advice. 

On 6/17/2022 at 3:49 PM, Ken Burke said:

2. Unless there is a really good reason, I suggest you include your extended families for a couple reasons.  First they may feel closer to you then the other way around.  Second, someday you may want a closer relationship.  

I think this is what my mom has been trying to express to me, and this makes sense. She says we are too "in our heads" about it and the "performance" aspect, and I understand that. This is really good advice, because it's not like we hate them, we're just not close. But maybe that will change someday. 

On 6/17/2022 at 10:05 PM, PineSong said:

From my seat, people didn't do wrong by saying "no" to Yellowstone but they sure did not manage it graciously.

I totally agree, I think we were wrong to assume they would definitely come because of their financial status. I wish they, and his brother, would have managed it better too, for his sake. I think at the end of the day we still want them and his grandparents there more than we wanted to get married specifically at Yellowstone. 

On 6/17/2022 at 10:05 PM, PineSong said:

In my experience couples who have destination weddings often have a small reception/cookout/pub night/church basement gathering in their hometown/s so that people who aren't going to fly out to the wedding can still celebrate with them, and nobody feels like their choices are limited to "attend Amy's destination wedding or be entirely left out". If my loved one were getting married and I did not want to go to Yellowstone, I would offer to host such an event at my house for the local family and friends, rather than complain about the cost of the Yellowstone trip. 

I love this idea, I feel like we really value our privacy but we also love our families and don't want to hurt any feelings by leaving people out. 

On 6/18/2022 at 11:46 AM, Odd Duck said:

Don’t make this so complicated that it wrecks what should be a joyous celebration.  You can’t make others fall in line with your plans.  You can only invite them to join you and let them decide for themselves.  You don’t need to cut them out of your lives if they elect not to attend.  You can’t know everything that goes into their decision making process. There may be factors you don’t know about.  Just pick a date, pick a spot that makes you happy, schedule local dinners to keep the family happy, and get on with building your future together and worry less about what other people think or say.  Your life will be better in the long run if you decide to do what you can, and what is reasonable, to make them happy and let go of the rest of it after that.

This makes a lot of sense, thank you. I think my worry that it would feel like a performance is on me and my insecurities, and that maybe we should just invite everyone and do and say exactly what we want and not worry about what they think if they attend. (Part of what factors into that is that we are atheists wanting a non-religious ceremony, and his entire family are Christians and pastors 😳). We have also been stressing about the cost of a reception and catering for a crowd, and I didn't even think about just going to a local restaurant! That's a great idea. We have also been thinking about just doing a big cookout at his parents' farm, which would definitely help with costs too. 

On 6/18/2022 at 5:23 PM, Torrey said:

This tells me (based on reactions from your fiance's family) that there are certain expectations that have been cultivated over a lifetime (or more likely generations) that the two of you may not be aware of... and are going to act like landmines no matter what kind of wedding you attempt to have.

It sounds like your husband to be's family is used to him accommodating their wants at his own expense. That dynamic will eventually affect the relationship of all people involved, including you (sorry).

This is 100% true. This is where his feelings being hurt comes in, because he feels like he can't express how he truly feels to them. It's not fair to him at all. 

On 6/18/2022 at 5:23 PM, Torrey said:

1. Have the two of you done any pre-marital counseling with a counselor or clergy?

2. Have you discussed how to navigate holidays after the wedding?

3. Have you negotiated the steps to take to resolve differences in the future?

I know those feel irrelevant to the questions you are asking, but my experience (primarily helping couples who are pregnant or already have kids, so slightly different) has been it is infinitely much easier to plan a wedding *after* those 3 items are addressed. In my TH&P work, I facilitate a lot of discussions around how to balance personal needs against community needs, and I don't think anything is a better demonstration for how that works (or doesn't) than planning a wedding.

We have not, and I don't think that's a bad idea at all! My fiancé, however, doesn't yet see the value in "talk therapy," at least with a stranger. I can get him to talk through things with me just fine, but that has been worked on over many years. His tendency is to bottle things up. His family is very non-confrontational, which can leave many important things unsaid. My family is the complete opposite, with conversations regularly turning volatile in the name of honesty. So merging our communication styles and working with each other has taken a long time and been incredibly rewarding and important for our relationship. The only problem is it hasn't spread into his familial relationships yet, and I'm not sure if that's something he will ever be willing to do for himself. We will see and I will keep supporting him. I will definitely talk to him about this though, I don't think it's a bad idea at all!

We have been navigating holidays pretty much since our first year together. I don't think I wrote it correctly in my initial post, but his family is also from Ohio (actually, our parents all went to school together!) and only his Aunt, Uncle and cousin live in Virginia. So 9 times out of ten we are able to see both our families on the holidays. 

I guess we really haven't, we kind of deal with issues as they come. We talk about expectations on behavior for certain recurring issues, but luckily those are few and far between so we actually don't have to worry about it much. I think since we are getting married now, and boundaries are sure to start to be pushed about certain topics like babies and such lol, that maybe we should have a discussion about how we should talk about things with our families. I feel like this would be a helpful discussion to have, since we are still transitioning from being "children" in the families and still finding our feet and confidence about these dynamics. 

On 6/18/2022 at 5:23 PM, Torrey said:

I would say Mother Nature and Yellowstone have offered you the option of putting your wedding off for a year, and that way you and your fiance can discuss what the two of you need for *you* to start the next chapter of your life (as a married couple) in a way that meets *your* needs as a married couple. Then, take the time to identify what is needed for the family (your larger community). Plenty of people choose to do a smaller, intimate ceremony for themselves, that meets their needs, and then a larger celebration that is staged for their communities.

Weddings (and any celebration involving a larger community) are about compromises and how to demonstrate the values you want to live by and be known by. On the surface, they look simple. The reality is the planning and execution will uncover every skeleton in the closet that needs sunlight. Some people choose to avoid all the skeletons, and other people choose to embrace the opportunity for healing.

The majority of couples find themselves on a path closer to the middle: ignoring as many skeletons as possible, lol.

It sounds like your husband to be's family is used to him accommodating their wants at his own expense. That dynamic will eventually affect the relationship of all people involved, including you (sorry).

The great news is, it sounds like the two of you have already established a really healthy relationship with each other! So if it were me, I'd probably ask if there was no family or friends involved, what would just the two of you want?

Plan that first.

Then, maybe work with a facilitator, mediator, counselor or clergy member about how to navigate the larger, public ceremony.

I can't tell you how grateful I am for this golden advice. Thank you for taking the time to share it with me ❤️ I really thought a wedding would be simple, because we're already so in love!! I guess that's why we got so disheartened, we were a little too rosy-eyed with everything. Which I think is why we are craving a small ceremony or even elopement, so we can get the excitement and magic back without the responsibilities and expectations. I think what we will most likely end up doing is a small, private ceremony locally and maybe a bigger celebration of some sort for our whole families. We always wanted a small ceremony right from the get-go, so maybe we should make that a priority no matter what we do. I hope that we can develop our relationships as equals with our families even though we are young, and use this for an opportunity for healing as you say. 

Thank you again everybody for the advice and kind words, they really are some of the nicest gestures I've ever received. 

[Flumpweesel]

On 6/21/2022 at 3:42 PM, Hannah Parker said:

non-religious ceremony

I have found humanist ceremonies very moving.

[Sal]

Ugh, aren't families the worst?  😂

I'm so sorry you are going through this.  Stay connected to your fiance and find humorous ways to deal with the stress (the eye-roll emoji is your friend.) And as everyone else already said - stay the course and do what YOU (and your partner) want to do.  ❤️

With 40ish years and 2 marriages under my belt (LOL, son't I sound fun?) I will tell you this...  1st marriage we eloped... 2nd marriage, we had a medium-ish sized wedding.... BOTH scenarios had major drama that were not started by or involving myself and my partner.    For the love of all that is good in the world, people can't seem to understand that the day is not about them, and act accordingly.

For my 3rd wedding we will set up a fish tank together and never tell anyone.  😉  (joking of course, still happily married to #2.)

Rooting for you, @Hannah Parker

 

 

Edited June 21, 2022 by Sal

[Hannah Parker]

On 6/21/2022 at 1:36 PM, Sal said:

Ugh, aren't families the worst?  😂

I'm so sorry you are going through this.  Stay connected to your fiance and find humorous ways to deal with the stress (the eye-roll emoji is your friend.) And as everyone else already said - stay the course and do what YOU (and your partner) want to do.  ❤️

With 40ish years and 2 marriages under my belt (LOL, son't I sound fun?) I will tell you this...  1st marriage we eloped... 2nd marriage, we had a medium-ish sized wedding.... BOTH scenarios had major drama that were not started by or involving myself and my partner.    For the love of all that is good in the world, people can't seem to understand that the day is not about them, and act accordingly.

For my 3rd wedding we will set up a fish tank together and never tell anyone.  😉  (joking of course, still happily married to #2.)

Rooting for you, @Hannah Parker

Thank you Sal. We love them but are definitely disappointed with some of them for sure. I'm sorry that happened at your weddings, that's such a shame. Thank you for your well wishes, I'm hoping it's gonna work out ❤️ 

[JettsPapa]

Hello,

I didn't read through all the responses, but if you're interested in opinions from an old guy who proposed six days after we met, got a yes, and got married three months later (34 years later we're still together), here goes.

First, as you mentioned above, with the flooding there it doesn't sound like Yellowstone is still an option anyway.

Second, relax.  Don't obsess over making everything perfect.  It never is.  Something always goes wrong.  Focus on the positives and take the rest with a grain of salt.  I saw something online about a couple getting married in their back yard, and their neighbor chose that exact time to mow.  Unless you run into a problem of that magnitude, and it's not likely that you will, just roll with it.

[Hannah Parker]

On 6/21/2022 at 1:59 PM, JettsPapa said:

Second, relax.  Don't obsess over making everything perfect.  It never is.  Something always goes wrong.  Focus on the positives and take the rest with a grain of salt.  I saw something online about a couple getting married in their back yard, and their neighbor chose that exact time to mow.  Unless you run into a problem of that magnitude, and it's not likely that you will, just roll with it.

That is too funny, that really does sum it up 😂 Thank you!😊

[BradleyH20]

My wife and I had dated for 9 years before getting engaged and started planning a wedding. We soon figured out that it would cost a small fortune , so we looked for creative ways to cut costs, without compromising quality.  We came up with a great idea to have the wedding in her parents backyard and try to cut our original guest list by 50-75%. We were also planning on booking a local bluegrass band and a BBQ outfit to cater the event. Doesn't sound like much, but we had put in a lot of work creating this plan to fit our budget. Then her dad said no to that idea, as he didn't want it at his house. Then my Uncle, who I had asked to be my best man, also declined because he doesn't get along with my mother. In addition to this, my wife was stressing out over the details of making plans and dealing with pressure from family. At this point, we were over it and tired of dealing with other people's ideas of  how things should be on OUR special day.  

Long story short, my wife and I eloped in Key West, FL, just the two of us. Florida will marry any states residents without witness. We went through a company in KW and   booked a wedding officiant and  photographer for 1 hour after the ceremony and they even arranged beautiful bouquet and boutonniere for us. We met them on a beach that was a predetermined location for our wedding spot at 1pm on a Tuesday and in an hour and a half we were married, had all of our wedding pictures taken and were free to enjoy the rest of the day to ourselves. Zero stress, zero drama and it cost us less than $300. Later that night, we had a romantic sunset dinner at the Westin Resort which is on a private island that we had to take a ferry to. Our table was right on the beach, we had our toes in the sand and watched a beautiful sunset, enjoying the passing silhouettes of sailboats floating by while eating our dinner. It was very romantic and quite enjoyable.  We've been happily married for 8.5 years and plan to return to the Keys for our 10 year wedding anniversary celebration. Sure it would have been nice to have friends and family attend our wedding, but we regularly discuss how great of an experience it was and that we would do it again in a heartbeat. 

[Cheryl P.]

My husband and I did a small wedding at our house.  I'm an introvert and the thought of being the "star" of the show really stressed me out.  We invited close family and friends, about 25 if I remember correctly, mostly from my side as my husband has a very small family.

It was just us, nothing fancy.  No bridesmaids or groomsmen (besides our dog Nugget who insisted on being a part).  We had a non-religious ceremony at our house and went out to dinner afterward.  Then we went on a 3 week honeymoon to the Mediterranean.  For us, having a really nice vacation was so much more important than the ceremony!

It's really important to do what you and your husband feel comfortable with.  I really hope you guys can come up with a solution without too much drama! 😊

[Ken Burke]

On 6/21/2022 at 1:05 PM, Hannah Parker said:

That is too funny, that really does sum it up 😂 Thank you!😊

My sister-in-law was coordinating a wedding for a friend several years ago.  The couple did not have much money, so it was a budget affair.  She did an amazing job pulling everything together.  But the bride was either nervous or excited as the ceremony started.  She was 3/4 down the isle when my sister-in-law realized she had forgotten the bouquet.  Nobody noticed until the crazy lady ran down the isle to hand it to her.  
 

they are still happily married, so I guess it worked out. 

[Patrick_G]

This sounds so frustrating! I have a daughter just a few years younger so I think I can understand what you’re going through. 

Destination weddings can cause a lot of angst on both sides. With one exception we’ve politely declined. The time and expense can be huge especially with afternoon cross country flights running 500-600 (we fly often and it’s getting crazy) for economy, and many Americans only getting 1-2 weeks vacation. 

If my daughter planned one, my wife and I would certainly go my but wife’s mom wouldn’t be able to fly for health reasons and I’m not sure if the cousins would go. 

I’d be inclined to do a local ceremony and then head off to Yellowstone with whoever wants to go, like an and extended reception. 

Edited June 22, 2022 by Patrick_G

[Hannah Parker]

On 6/21/2022 at 3:44 PM, BradleyH20 said:

My wife and I had dated for 9 years before getting engaged and started planning a wedding. We soon figured out that it would cost a small fortune , so we looked for creative ways to cut costs, without compromising quality.  We came up with a great idea to have the wedding in her parents backyard and try to cut our original guest list by 50-75%. We were also planning on booking a local bluegrass band and a BBQ outfit to cater the event. Doesn't sound like much, but we had put in a lot of work creating this plan to fit our budget. Then her dad said no to that idea, as he didn't want it at his house. Then my Uncle, who I had asked to be my best man, also declined because he doesn't get along with my mother. In addition to this, my wife was stressing out over the details of making plans and dealing with pressure from family. At this point, we were over it and tired of dealing with other people's ideas of  how things should be on OUR special day.  

Long story short, my wife and I eloped in Key West, FL, just the two of us. Florida will marry any states residents without witness. We went through a company in KW and   booked a wedding officiant and  photographer for 1 hour after the ceremony and they even arranged beautiful bouquet and boutonniere for us. We met them on a beach that was a predetermined location for our wedding spot at 1pm on a Tuesday and in an hour and a half we were married, had all of our wedding pictures taken and were free to enjoy the rest of the day to ourselves. Zero stress, zero drama and it cost us less than $300. Later that night, we had a romantic sunset dinner at the Westin Resort which is on a private island that we had to take a ferry to. Our table was right on the beach, we had our toes in the sand and watched a beautiful sunset, enjoying the passing silhouettes of sailboats floating by while eating our dinner. It was very romantic and quite enjoyable.  We've been happily married for 8.5 years and plan to return to the Keys for our 10 year wedding anniversary celebration. Sure it would have been nice to have friends and family attend our wedding, but we regularly discuss how great of an experience it was and that we would do it again in a heartbeat. 

I can't tell you how much we relate to this!! I'm sorry your initial planning was so stressful. It sounds like your elopement was amazing! 🤩 We are pretty close to doing that ourselves 😅 but we're giving it another go because we really do want our families there. Thank you for sharing 😊

[BeeD]

Congratulations.

Edited June 22, 2022 by BrettD

[drewzero1]

Oh weddings... so glad I'm never doing that again. Ours was a very DIY affair, since we were paying for it, and the decorations ended up being fairly labor-intensive. We had it in autumn and many relatives worked in education so there was understanding all around that a fair few wouldn't be able to go. There was close timing with another relative's wedding and some guests had to choose one or the other. Again, no hard feelings, and we're still close with all of them. My parents were in the long tail of their divorce and were actively suing each other that week. What a blast, but we did it our way, we put on a good party, and we could finally get on with our lives together.

I've wrestled with nonconfrontational tendencies myself, having learned a lot of unhealthy ways to deal with conflict throughout my parents' decline. I've had to relearn how to get it out there, all of it (without saying anything unnecessary or hurtful that we're both going to regret), and then listen and resolve. Still working on it after a decade in a healthy relationship.

[Hannah Parker]

On 6/27/2022 at 2:24 AM, drewzero1 said:

I've wrestled with nonconfrontational tendencies myself, having learned a lot of unhealthy ways to deal with conflict throughout my parents' decline. I've had to relearn how to get it out there, all of it (without saying anything unnecessary or hurtful that we're both going to regret), and then listen and resolve. Still working on it after a decade in a healthy relationship.

We're always working towards being better too, I think that is the foundation of a healthy relationship 🙂❤️ 

[Hannah Parker]

On 6/18/2022 at 5:23 PM, Torrey said:

Weddings (and any celebration involving a larger community) are about compromises and how to demonstrate the values you want to live by and be known by. On the surface, they look simple. The reality is the planning and execution will uncover every skeleton in the closet that needs sunlight. Some people choose to avoid all the skeletons, and other people choose to embrace the opportunity for healing.

The majority of couples find themselves on a path closer to the middle: ignoring as many skeletons as possible, lol.

You absolutely were not kidding. While abiding by the rules of the forum, with what has happened this past Friday and how it changes the course of me and my fiancé's lives, his family has really imploded.  Lots of hard things to suddenly discuss only 4 months away from our wedding. Brighter news, we decided on a lovely local venue that's very budget-friendly for just our ceremony and are doing it this fall. We are hoping to do a reception/send-off party in the spring/summer for our extended family and then off to our honeymoon after that. But yeah, sh*t is also hitting the fan. Hope everyone stays safe and healthy wherever they are in the US ❤️ I don't pray but I will be thinking of everyone. 

[jwcarlson]

My wife and I have been married for 13 years, our wedding was medium-ish.  Low cost, no major frills.  Local event in my wife's hometown about a two hour drive from where I grew up.  

Our best friends got married a couple of years after us, by best friends I mean we were having dinner with them multiple times per week and hanging out any weekends my wife and I weren't visiting our family.  They did a destination wedding in the Virgin Islands and we flat out told them we weren't going.  They were accepting about it.  They did a small ceremony locally and then a "full size" reception locally and my wife and I did a lot of helping for that event and we were in attendance.  We eventually grew apart after a couple more years, kids, and us moving.  But there wasn't any ill feelings either way, so far as I know.

I'll try to say this tactfully, understand that I do not mean anything mean or personal by it.  Just my opinion.  If I were going to have a destination wedding, I wouldn't specifically invite anyone.  I would simply tell them "we're getting married in Yellowstone" and kind of let them drive the discussion about their attendance after that.  I'd have whatever normal ceremony locally and then do the destination thing as a couple with anyone that cared to be in attendance.  Going to our friends wedding would have cost us roughly what our own personal wedding had cost.  I think it's entirely unreasonable to go to anyone with the expectation that they're going to schedule off work, spend a bunch of money, and eat up some of their time off.  As you said, you guys are young and presumably your future brother-in-law is also relatively young... it can be very tough to participate in these kind of things while also paying off student loans, driving a junk car to save money, etc.  And with prices the way they are right now that pressure is probably way worse.  I live in Iowa.  My wife and I actually took our honeymoon in Yellowstone (and you guys should ABSOLUTELY go, it is amazing, and you should go as a couple as I think that will be FAR FAR more enjoyable than being there with a gang of people with all those additional people to please).  From Iowa it's a 1500 mile, 24 hour drive on way.  If you fly, I'm guessing that's going to be close to $1000 for a couple.  If you've got kids, ratchet all of that up.  Plus hotels, possible car rental, eating out, etc etc.

What I'm saying is that it's a massive financial, time, and personal commitment to go do something like for someone's wedding.  If you start adding up what you're asking your family to do, maybe it will help give you some different perspective.  That's not to say that you guys are not worth that commitment, but it's very possible that some of the people you're asking are simply not able to make things work and their flimsy excuses are really just their way of covering.  Springing something like that on someone is kind of a big thing.

 

I hope that what I wrote makes sense and that you're not offended or anything like that, I certainly don't mean it that way.  Your wedding should be about you two and it should absolutely be exactly what you want it to be.  But understand that it might be a very big ask for family to travel 3,000+ miles on a 'vacation' they don't necessarily want to be on so that they can watch you get married for an hour.  And you probably (hopefully) shouldn't hold that against them or let it damage your relationship with them permanently.  I understand that the cat is out of the bag to some extent already, but this isn't something worth a bunch of hurt feelings IMO.  If my brother called me right now and told me he needed $3,000 I'd give it to him in a heartbeat.  If he wanted me to spend $3,000 to go to his wedding half the country away... no thanks.  In other words I prioritize the person, not the event.

 

Also, congratulations! 🙂

[Hannah Parker]

On 6/30/2022 at 4:20 PM, jwcarlson said:

What I'm saying is that it's a massive financial, time, and personal commitment to go do something like for someone's wedding.  If you start adding up what you're asking your family to do, maybe it will help give you some different perspective.  That's not to say that you guys are not worth that commitment, but it's very possible that some of the people you're asking are simply not able to make things work and their flimsy excuses are really just their way of covering.  Springing something like that on someone is kind of a big thing.

Thank you so much for your input, and no I'm not offended at all! 🙂 I totally understand what you're saying  and in hindsight, it really does make sense. I think we had we had a bit of "rose-tinged glasses" on with this idea, and thought everyone would want to go as badly as we did. It doesn't help that my side of the family was planning a family vacation next year anyways, so were naturally more excited and willing than his side. I think we maybe should have either decided to elope to Yellowstone and do a reception locally, or asked everyone how they felt about the idea before "pitching" it and officially deciding and inviting everyone.

Initially, when we decided to do this we had both said we would be okay if anyone decided they couldn't come because of how big of a commitment it was. Then, as things started actually progressing and it seemed like a majority of his family couldn't/didn't want to come, we realized we actually weren't okay with some members of the family not being there and we really wanted them there. I think they could have been more polite about saying it, but I think we could have as well. I think doing a small, private ceremony locally like we initially wanted to is best and I really am glad it worked out the way it did. I think we would've missed having a lot of his family there if we had decided to go anyways. 

[jwcarlson]

On 7/1/2022 at 8:26 AM, Hannah Parker said:

I think we had we had a bit of "rose-tinged glasses" on with this idea

I'm glad you took my post the way it was intended, thank you! 🙂

Hopefully you have many years of rose-tinged glasses moments together, it's good to dream a little.  Just yesterday I saw advertisement for a small cabin along the Mississippi River with a little dock and a bit of land, would be a cool place to own.  I sent the listing to my wife and she immediately spun into "we need to buy it" mode.  She even called the realtor, but it is pending closing now.  

Last piece of advice: If you end up in Yellowstone, don't approach the buffalo.  Apparently that needs to be said as they're currently averaging about one buffalo goring per day recently in a park that's "closed" (I thought?)!