Why aquariums? Why fish?

[Vanessa K]

I know this is going to sound ridiculous but I'm too old to care. To watch life, the circle of life in my 20 Gallon aquarium, is so rewarding, it's a comfort to my soul, and my soul sure needs comfort. 20 Gallons is not much, not if you're older than 12. I sold my 190 Gallon and now my husband feels that he has to put his foot down "You'll have to adjust - if we can't carry it 3 stairs " him and me - that's ridiculous - his father was and athlete, even had a degree, but my husband doesn't and nor do and I don't care and I used to TAP DANCE - 25 years ago, I don't carry things. My husband says "If we can't carry it all the way up to our flat, it's a no-no - you'll have to adjust." I don't adjust. That's not who I am, if he wants "adjust" he'll have to look for Tinder.

[sudofish]

I guess this is just a rant at the other half? I mean physically moving aquariums is something you have to think about. If it really is just you and him that are available to lift it then you will of course be limited by how much you can physically lift. Maybe a compromise? A 55 gallon is probably manageable between the 2 of you not knowing your physical conditions etc. Offer some friends/neighbors some beer or something to help and you could probably get a bigger aquarium moved. I guess it would be frustrating if your partner didn't appreciate your hobby like you do. That said don't knock the smaller tanks either. A 20 gallon is a perfectly good aquarium. Not for Oscars but still a good size especially the 20 long one of my favorite dimensions to work with.

Edited May 27, 2021 by sudofish

[Vanessa K]

Thank you, really! I know I'm ranting but there really is an other way. We could pay people to carry it, money isn't an issue - it's just a principle of his. What provokes me is that the thing that keeps him emotionally going is music, he plays the saxophone, jazz mostly, he used to be a freelancer - he tries to get me involved and sometimes I try. I don't get it, not in full, but I'm ok with that, I can see that it makes him happy. I just wish that he could do the same for me. It's difficult because he is a good man, really, not many men could put up with me. Even I don't put up with me most of the time. I just want a slightly bigger tank, that he'd just let me be. To sit there and watch the tank means so much to me - but the guppies haven't heard of safe sex and the joy is to se what the fry will look like. It's just a glass container.

[Emika_B]

Have you asked him why he feels this way?  You said the tank needs to be carried up stairs.  Other than the physical aspect of lifting and maneuvering an awkward, heavy object could he be worried about structural issues?  Are there restrictions in your lease and/or apartment building’s house rules?  Might he be worried about the expense involved in a large tank - water, electricity, planning for water damage, etc?  I know you said money’s not an issue but I’ve seen that as folks age, even if they know they have enough, they fear it won’t be due to some catastrophic circumstance.

I’m not saying you’re wrong to be disappointed going from 190 to 20 gallons.  That’s quite a change!  I’m not saying he’s right to deny you something that obviously means so much to you.  I’m saying step out of your shoes and put on his, just to see why he feels the way he does.  Then ask him to do the same for you.  Things like this lead to hurt feelings and resentment.  Open, honest and respectful communication is the lifeblood of any relationship.  Even about things considered a hobby.

And ranting on a supportive forum like this is a good thing, too.  Sometimes you just have to get it off your chest 🙂

[DSH OUTDOORS]

You might not be able to carry a 75 gallon tank up 3 flights but I bet you can carry 30 or so 20 gallon tanks up over a few days!!!

Technically you are still within his "rules" and as far as I'm concerned you "adjusted" 😉

Also, look into acrylic tanks.  Much much lighter than glass tanks half their size and in my opinion better to look at.

Best of luck to you! Go easy on him with you "adjustment"

[sudofish]

Yea I'm not calling you out for ranting just clarifying so I understood lol. It's fine to rant imo, healthy even really. Hopefully you all can work things out regarding this.

[NanoNano]

Hi Vanessa- Have you shown (or considered showing) your partner the last post you made?  You're a good communicator and there's some really powerful stuff in there that leaps out at me:

* Music and Fish keeping are *both* hobbies for me.  Truth be told,  I get the same exact sense of happiness and relaxation out of changing guitar strings as I do out of doing water changes.  There's definitely a joint connection there that I think your partner can relate to and understand about you- you might have to help him a little bit more to see that you both feel the same sense of enjoyment from your hobbies.

* You mention that you've made the efforts to share in his hobby.  Has he shared in yours?   Can you combine them?  Personally,  I'm pretty sure that I can't come up with a single person that I know that wouldn't find it enjoyable to watch fish and listen to Jazz (a good stiff drink in hand would make this into a perfect "hat trick").

* If you're getting older, could this be case where what your partner is really worried about is that you might have an accident (e.g. slip on a wet floor or fall carrying something) or that there might be circumstances where they might have to take care of your pride and joy tank and they feel overwhelmed or intimidated by that?  Maybe try to tease this out and then talk about a plan to avoid both?

* You call your partner "a good man"- make sure that he see this for sure...I think I can generalize here- most men see that in print or hear that out loud from their partner rarely-especially as relationships get longer.  Having a partner acknowledge this about me would make my day, week, month, and year. 

* Consider if you can play "let's make a deal". Maybe your partner has had their eye on something for their hobby that they've been holding back on for themselves that they've assumed you wouldn't agree to or just feel guilty about spending money on (maybe something for their saxophone, or music collection, or a collectable from their favorite Jazz artist, whatever).  If you're at the stage where you're financially secure, maybe you can agree to green light something "big" for both your hobbies?

 

Good luck- I'm rooting for both of you to come together over this.

Edited May 27, 2021 by NanoNano

[CalmedByFish]

Others clearly have deeper thoughts than I'm having here, but one thing honestly seems funny to me. If the idea is that you shouldn't own things you can't carry up a few stairs together, wouldn't that mean you need to no longer own a bed, fridge, washing machine, and most of your furniture? 😂 Depending on your very specific relationship and circumstances, it might be a good point.