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This is probably what I really have needed, a journal. I'm still surprised to find this kind of forum. I am on a road to self discovery. I have lived the last years in a world very different than a normal woman does. I gave up my nursing career to stay home with my husband as his caregiver. Military service is something I have been familiar with my whole life. With my father it was very different. He was a Vietnam vet, and an alcoholic. I didn't know my father before Vietnam, but I have been told he was a kind man and very different than the person I knew. When I was grown, and experienced war as the one waiting for a phone call or that knock aty door, I slowly began to understand the man whom I had always viewed as broken and hateful. Two tours in Iraq, he was sent to San Antonio the first tour after his plane was shot down. He was giving a choice, medical retirement or return for the rest of that tour. I wasn't surprised when he didn't retire. That tour ended and I was sitting in a football stadium waiting to see his face after a year, while they played "The boys are back in town" and the men filtered onto the field as each family screamed out, or cried, or both when seeing the face of the man or father they loved. I was no different. The second tour didn't end like that for me, I don't know what that homecoming was like. Almost to the day ..one month before he was due to come home, I got that dreaded call. He had been in an explosion and medi vaced to Germany. They were stabilizing him and then he would be sent to Killeen Texas, Fort Hood apparently had the best surgical team that delt with several skeletal injuries and issues. I was told that there was little hope of saving his left arm, his dominant hand. I stood at the back of that ambulance that took him from plane to hospital and had all of 5 minutes to see him as they rushed him in and straight to a surgical team that had already been set. I am happy to say, that until the last 2 years, that was the last of the traumatizing fear and waiting. That part of life was over. His bicep had been completely detached and retracted into his shoulder, injuring his shoulder socket in the process. They managed to unroll the muscle and reattached it. They couldn't say if it would heal, or come apart. No clue to how much if any, use he would have. But I didn't care. He used the line from Tombstone, "I still have one good arm to hold ya". Always had something smart to say lol. His arm was a miracle. Ended his career but he had more use and range of motion than anyone could have hoped for. But the hidden injuries were going to kick my butt. I got a small aquarium, military moving isn't ideal for aquatic Hobby's, and I started a flower garden and vegetables were planted. I was thought heaven on earth was here lol. The first couple years were a slow decline, almost unnoticeable. First year the aquarium was abandoned, second year all gardening was also put away. We were now in a neverending quest of treatment options, medication trials, imaging and group therapy sessions and no public anything at all. If you have never experienced a trauma flashback in a loved one, your blessed. You are on the outside looking in trying to see what demons are destroying your loved one. The 4th year he pulled out a thumb drive. He looked at me for so long I got a little scared. Then he asked me if I really wanted to know. I stupidly said yes. He had photos of everything he had experienced. He said he took them so he would know it wasn't all in his head. I will soare you the details and say only this, the movies about Iraq, where a child or a woman runs up to soldiers giving out supplies, and they explode. Those scenes are almost cartoon ish once you see the real thing. In my entire nursing career, I am positive he saw more blood than I ever did. And I learned what secondary PTSD was. But I also understood way better and knew where to go from there. Research, digging up resources to get us back moving but also in a safe way. Took a bit but soon we were living again. First just with military related events, retreats, and outings with other wounded warrior families. Flashbacks and other issues were our normal so no hiding needed or safety plans. Slowly lead to real outings, fishing, camping, and bow target practice. Animal rescue became a thing. But personal Hobby's for me were not a option. I was a caregiver and mother and wife. The beginning of the end was so confusing. First he started having memory issues. He thought I was trying to make him look crazy. But he went to be tested. Memory issues confirmed and early onset of dementia ruled out. So scans and we go from there. He has an abnormalities in the what matter and abnormal shrinking of the white matter in his brain. So to a specialist we were sent. And bam COVID-19 hit. Specialist on hold, safety plans were already in place and I had a new threat to worry me. He was diabetic. His sister lived with us, a cancer survivor. My youngest has multiple autoimmune conditions. I'm surrounded by weak immune systems and we have a pandemic that's got a higher daily body count than Iraq had. I had to navigate shopping, and daily essentials and keep it out of my home. I was not losing everyone to the pandemic. And the focus on his new condition was lost. By December 2021 he had a impulse control issue and we were looking at eviction and losing everything but he owned three welders, and multiple other expensive items. It was a battle to get to each payday without setting him off or starving. A delicate dance. He refused doctor appointments. November 2021 his jeep was reposested. It hurts him. I opened a savings account in his name and started putting ever penny I could into it. Once I had enough I was going to give it to him to replace his jeep. December 26th 2021 he found it, accused me of stealing and being a whore. My husband kicked me out and informed me that I made him sick. Back and forth. Four kids to think of. One week with him, one with me. Eventually only the two year old would go back for his visit. She was his angel. I was only biological mom to my oldest but they were refusing to go with him. We had a two children with the help of a sero, my eggs were not viable. His daughter that I had successfully helped him gain custody of was with me. And by summer he had hit me. He never struck anyone in our family before. By October he was living in a hotel, I was staying where ever I could every other day. It kept the violence down that way. One morning I can come to the room. Got my cup of coffee and sat next to tye 5 year old and choked. He had hand prints over his entire body. When I gasped he yelled what and I saw in his eyes, it was the other one. Not my husband. He went to the bathroom and I grabbed kids and ran. A friend from a therapy group offered us a couch.we talked and I told him I couldn't bring the kids back without knowing what happened. They had to be safe. Then my battery went dead. He got in his jeep to come help me and his was dead. The. He stopped talking much. I sent the police for a welfare check. Three welfare checks in 5 days. The third was it. He was dead. I am so sorry. I don't know what came over me. But it did bring me to now. It's been a year and half. A sever identity crisis, trying to heal and hold a family together. I tried succulents, total failure. I was terrified to get this aquarium. It was instant though, I have thriving plants, baby fish and sold 400 snails and plant over growth in a week on eBay. More aquariums and scientific research to figure out this little snail that has the ability to morph over night, unlike anything I have ever seen. Ok, time to sleep and argue with myself over deleting this or letting it ride lol

Building an indoor pond with 2 canister filters made from 5 gallon buckets. Thinking about getting fancy with a hygrometer, ts meter, thermometer, conductivity meter, dosing pump, and some pumps running from a reserve tank to rain bars all hooked to home assistant or something similar. The plan is to mimic the wet and dry season by controlling all of those factors and also programming the lighting for longer and shorter days to match the seasons. the tank will be an African river biotope with my 13 Petrocephalus simus, 5 ropefish, 10 alestopetersius brichardii (although Once the rope fish get bigger I may not want to risk keeping such rare and expensive fish with them they are about 3” full grown… probably too big to get eaten but I may get a different species of African tetra or barb that is about that size Fir dithers instead), and some livebearers to play the roll of self replicating tasty snack, as well as some shrimp and scuds as c,earners/snacks. It is probably going to take a long time to have all the fancy stuff installed but I plan to have the pond up and running for the fish to live in next month. if I can find a 150 or 180 gallon tank cheep enough I may move the whole show over there and spray paint 3 sides black to keep it nice and dim like the like. The substrate I use is sand mixed with river clay so the water gets a slightly murky look to it… they prefer it that way. this is by far my most ambitious project ever, on many levels, but I do feel pretty confident about my odds of eventual success.

I made a pond in my courtyard to provide more space for my goldfish, upgrading them from the 70 gal HD tote. I used 6'4x4's for the length and 3' for the width. I learned a lot and while I was aware that by creating a square pond, folding the liner would be an issue... I did not realize how much of a pain it would be. If I did it again I would likely just make it a complete volume vs building in a falls aria and bog filter pan. Here is the original mini pond Disassembling the old pond so I can make space for the new. I had put insulating blankets wondering if that would help it retain heat. I ended up with quite a bit of green water that made it hard to see the fish (the water was hard to see even at 3"-4" deep). When I removed the pond I was surprised as to how big it was (I had forgotten with it being buried for so long). I found eggs from the fish spawning, The arrow leaf had also grown into the sponge I was using to diffuse the water pumped into the bog filter. I used brick to try and keep tree roots at bay ( I have found a few medium sized ones while digging) The foam was to try and help soften the edges, between that and the fabric liner I was hoping to make it easer to lay the pond liner... it wasn't. When capping the Liner I found that the folds had caused so much distortion, none of the boards would lay even. I also overlapped extra liner to help reduce possible sun damage. Not as pretty but I often may choose utility over looks. I set up my "old" bog filter until I build the new one (going to try an under gravel filter). I put the goldfish in and they were quite happy swimming around. I have been working on re-teaching them to come to the surface for food. Fortunately the seem to learn quickly when it comes to feeding. I also put an extra sponge filter in to help stir and aerate the water.