Bad Day, Hitting a New Low Point in the Hobby

[Schmorty]

So, I've had a bad morning, and I'm stuck in a negative self-talk loop. I figured maybe writing some stuff down in the forum of fellow fish lovers might help. I don't think I'm looking for advice, I'm just looking to be heard. Warning, this is probably going to be sad.

So, fishkeeping for me over the last couple of months has had a lot of ups and downs, but it's been slowly trending down overall. This morning was the first time I've ever considered dropping out completely, and that's a scary low to hit.

To try to make a long story short, I've been in the hobby for almost three years. Last year, at the beginning of the pandemic, I had to move into my in-laws' basement. Uprooting two years worth of work in tanks is difficult, but we moved most all of my fish over to the new place without much issue. But, I didn't modify my upkeep schedule to account for the loss in Seasoned Tank Time. My water quality dipped, and a columnaris outbreak wiped out half of my fish in the summer while meds seemed to not work. Eventually it stabilized, but the surviving fish still showed symptoms. Recently, wanting to eradicate the disease, I tried more aggressive treatment, and ended up losing more fish and over $200 and two years' time worth in plants, the outcome I was trying to avoid in the summer. So, I'm really sad about how that aquarium went.

Meanwhile, I have a fish for profit tank that has perplexing water quality problems. Every week or so, the fish will breathe rapidly and hang out towards the top. Testing kits are showing nothing that would be an obvious culprit, so trying to solve the problem has been frustrating. On top of that, my spouse doesn't like that tank in our living area in the basement because it's "ugly." It's the kind of setup made for a breeder's fish room, not for a pleasant display.

Simultaneously, I have a betta in his own setup not doing so well. He's only just over two years old, but he looks like he's circling the drain. He developed swim bladder issues at the same time during the summer I was dealing with the columnaris outbreak. His find are tattered, and he developed popeye two weeks ago. After treating with salt, the eye swelling went way down, but now his eye is sunken and his cheek seems swollen and eroding around it. He's been very difficult to feed since he can hardly swim anymore. I feel like it's my fault for not giving him as much attention over the summer. I kept swearing I could nurse him back to health, but it seems like it might be too late. I don't know if I should keep trying or just euthanize him and end his suffering. Every time I resolve I'll put him down, he shows a surprising amount of vigor when I go to feed him, and I change my mind.

So, a lot of rough stuff going on in my home aquariums over a long period of time, and then this week happened:

So at work, I was talking fish with my boss and joked about an office aquarium. He thought an office aquarium was a great idea and told me to go nuts with it! I was so excited, because in case you couldn't tell, I had stalled out on getting to do any new stuff at home. After raiding the storage shed and my supply bins, I had basically everything I needed except substrate and fish; for once setting up an aquarium wasn't going to be $100+ since I already had most everything. However, when I told my wife what I was up to:

"Really?? Another aquarium???"

The disapproval, the exasperation in her voice...it took the wind out of my sails. Just something about the way she said it was different.

She's been pretty supportive since the beginning. Listening patiently while I geek out, trying not to gag looking at hundreds of snails overrun a tank, putting up with buckets of brown filter water splashing down the toilet, dealing with me wanting to put an aquarium everywhere in the house, and letting me spend a not insignificant amount of money on this hobby. But I wonder if I'm pushing her to her line. I wonder how much more frustrated she'll be when we have kids. 

And so, for the first time today, I contemplated leaving the hobby, or at least making the most drastic cutback I've ever made. Clearly, things have not been going my way with the aquariums, and taking them out of the house would make my wife happier. Less clutter, less diversions of my attention, less money spent on food, more freedom to travel whenever that becomes safe again. I wish I could make a snap decision and tear down all my home aquariums in one day so I could rip it off like a bandaid. But tearing down aquariums the right way isn't that simple, it'd take days, nevermind rehoming all the fish. And it'd be hard to axe all that money and time I've put into the hobby, because I have had a few successes. And I get so much joy out of doing this, I don't want to just give it up.

Right now, I'm in a negative self-talk loop, feeling childish, selfish, and ashamed for the strain on my life I added with this hobby. I'm angry at myself for failing to take better care of my fish, and even angrier at myself for whatever strain I've put on my wife. 

While writing this post, I've decided to not make any decisions while I'm in this headspace, and that it's best I talk this through with my wife. I think we can get back to where we're both enjoying the aquariums in our household. Writing this post has helped. 

To conclude for now, I'm not looking for solutions to the individual tank problems listed in this post, I've pursued them elsewhere in this forum and on other sources. Hopefully one day this can help walk somebody off the cliff of doing something drastic with their aquariums. Bad days and bad breaks happen, but we persevere.

Thank you.

[Celly Rasbora]

I've been in a pretty dark place myself, completely unrelated to keeping fish, so I just want to say that I hear you. The pain, the frustration, the personal upheaval. It's been a tough year. I've been more fortunate than most, but still have the blues.

But as you say, we persevere. Gotta slog through the rain to get flowers and fruit. Go easy.

[OceanTruth]

That sounds rough... Hopefully posting your current situation allowed you to release some of the stress you might be feeling.

[Gideyon]

You're heard. I appreciate your conclusion. Best wishes to you. 

[lefty o]

you do get some ups and downs in this hobby. when things go bad, it can get ugly. last fall i had an ich outbreak in my 120 i could not get under control , and it wiped out 90% of the fish. that seriously bummed me out for a few months. things turn around though, and you will again enjoy the fish/tanks, etc. ive been doing this for decades, and can honestly say, you are not alone.

[andieb]

Yea I hear you, that sounds like a lot of deal with all at once and extremely discouraging. This is somewhat unrelated but I've always REALLY looked forward to getting my own dog, I used to research breeds for literally countless hours and talk about dogs with my boyfriend all the time. But earlier in the pandemic my family/childhood dog who was 15 took a turn for the worst and we had to put her down unexpectedly. I got in a big fight with my parents over it because I didn't think it was time yet and I thought it was cruel. It completely turned me off of getting my own dog. But it's been about 6 months and I've come around since. The "ugly" bit was just one part of an experience that otherwise was incredibly rewarding. All is forgiven with my family. Over time you forget the ugly, and remember more of the good. 

 

[Harpsandfish]

There is a lot of power in telling your story, especially to an understanding and receptive group like this forum. Doing so reduces the magnitude of the darkness and lets you see how you can bring a little light back in. ❤️

[Garren]

You have been heard. Appreciate you sharing your story. 

[Kalita]

Consider yourself heard. 

This hobby can be definitely be challenging! We are dealing with species that don't speak our language and exist in an entirely different world to us (unless we're scuba diving). Show yourself some compassion - you are doing the best you can in a difficult time. 

[Tanked]

Fish are replaceable.  It is hard to lose something that you have put that much time and effort especially when the hits keep coming.  I think putting your thoughts on paper so to speak, has given you some relief and some clarity as to your next move.  Hang in there.

[Tanked]

20 hours ago, andieb said:

Yea I hear you, that sounds like a lot of deal with all at once and extremely discouraging. This is somewhat unrelated but I've always REALLY looked forward to getting my own dog, I used to research breeds for literally countless hours and talk about dogs with my boyfriend all the time. But earlier in the pandemic my family/childhood dog who was 15 took a turn for the worst and we had to put her down unexpectedly. I got in a big fight with my parents over it because I didn't think it was time yet and I thought it was cruel. It completely turned me off of getting my own dog. But it's been about 6 months and I've come around since. The "ugly" bit was just one part of an experience that otherwise was incredibly rewarding. All is forgiven with my family. Over time you forget the ugly, and remember more of the good. 

 

There is rarely a right time to part with our four legged friends.  That is why now I only keep fish.  The decision is usually made for us.  Spring is coming, get that dog

[Fishdude]

Oh man, this whole story hits close to home for me. I have a supportive but skeptical spouse and I have a bunch of tanks I've put a lot of time into that just aren't looking great. It is so frustrating to lose plants too. Thanks so much for putting this into words, you are not alone about the downs associated with this pandemic and the hobby.

[Ugan66265]

This is all to familiar and I'm glad I saw this. I'm in a similar situation but it had to do with a dog and not fish. I'm struggling to help our loving dog and I've been on the edge of giving up on her. My heart aches just thinking about it, but I'm just not capable of giving up. My wife has given up and some things she will say just crushes me. My wife is my best friend. Can't she see how much it means to me? I know she doesn't mean to break me down even more but it just drains the last bit of hope. I chose this responsibility to provide an animal a happy loving life. I'm all they have. What kind of owner am I if I'm not willing to try everything possible? Its a discouraging feeling. 

     I hope things start working out for you and you get all your aquariums back to a state you can be proud of. Don't let anyone discourage you. Focus on what your intuition tells you and fallow it. Think of how it will feel to overcome this. You got this! 

[Trish]

It is not easy giving up a special pet, they are our companions, some are family.  But sometimes it's the kindest thing to do.  While it's tough call euthanasia relieves suffering in a kind peaceful way.  I've done most of mine at home.  3 dogs 16 yrs in 2 yrs as they came into my life the same age and time, so I know pain.  One has to remember that we need to do what is best for our fish, cat or dog, and the journey is not about us and our feelings, but about the animals we love.  It is better to relieve suffering before it happens and you will know you've done the right thing in your heart.    

@Schmorty Perhaps a break is what you need. Like the saying "Old Fishermen Never Die" neither do fishkeepers, and sometimes the 2nd time around is as rewarding if not better than the first.  Good luck in your future endeavours.